1870 Days

That's the number of days I've been on my own. Living the life of a twenty something single female with high aspirations and little self motivation. I've been waiting at the train station, but I keep missing the train. Platform one career, platform two family, platform three the world. Why the hell am I still at the ticket counter painstakingly trying to pick a destination.

I feel like I'm in a foreign country and I just cannot understand what the face behind the counter is telling me. "I have to pick one destination? What about a package that offers all three destinations with a bonus day at the spa and unlimited happiness? What do you mean that isn't an option? So, what you're saying is, that I can can only choose between limited packages, one with two destinations both headed to no where, or the option with one destination only, which features a free t-shirt emblazoned with the words 'Self-delusion a must at destination la-la-land.' What?" I hate this place. My western sensibilities and deluded sense of self-entitlement are turning their noses up at these limited options.

I notice on the other side of the glass a blank stare meets my pathetic dithering and to be honest I can't blame them.

The universe must be weary of lamenting youth; those constantly lost in too much expectation and without the brains to take control of their own destiny. I can just imagine the author of the cosmos covering his ears with mighty hands and pulling his time worn face into a distorted mask of distaste, as yet another soul weeps about missed opportunity and the universal injustice of it all.

A thought on faith

I've been reading this book called Eat Pray Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert and there is a particular passage that stood out to me today. She is discussing her search for God and the part that faith plays in that search and her words rang true with me. I have had multiple "faith conversations" with seemingly the same result. That faith is not rational. Faith is believing without proof. Faith is all of this, but not a satisfying answer to the rational mind. I still cling to faith in different aspects of my life and in my search for the divine, but I really like the way she describes it. "There is a reason we refer to "leaps of faith"--because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be---by definition---faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be ... a prudent insurance policy." (chapter 57;pg 175)

I guess there is something unsafe about leaving rational thought behind. It leaves so many unanswered questions, so many ways to go wrong. I supposed that is part of the allure of taking the leap.

I wish I could jump. I should be the perfect candidate for this type of foolishness. I'm not the worlds most rational person. I don't live a strictly analytical existance, constantly over analyzing the mechanics of life. I usually just fly by the seat of my pants and let my emotional self make the decisions. Admittedly it can sometimes it feel like having a two year old at the wheel who is solely driven by dreams of lollipops and cheesecake, constantly swerving into oncoming traffic because she's been distracted by something shiny. Yet, still I hesitate and am skeptical. Maybe there is supposed to be a balance between the two. Faith makes up where rational thought fails. Maybe I need to slow down, concentrate more, not be afraid to let go of skepticism when the time is ripe.