Back To Reality

I finally ventured to the Salt Lake City Library last Friday. It's a fairly new building designed by some renowned architect whose name escapes me presently.

From what I've heard, the library is more renowned as a harbor for bums and a courser assortment of society, than as a place in which one would like to spend copious amounts of time reading. However, I found it to be a truly beautiful space. There's a terrace up on the rooftop with gardens and walkways. The sun was shining for one of the first times in many months and in between gusts of springtime wind I felt the warmth seeping into my bones. For some unknown reason I was alone atop that perch, with only my thoughts and the wise eyes of the mountains surrounding me. From below I could hear the sounds of laughter, and trolley bells, but it all seemed worlds away.

I wish I would have explored sooner the treasures of this place, for I am sure as summer comes more will venture outside to be warmed by the sun. In such a busy world, places of sanctuary are few and far between. I guess that's why living in the moment is so key. Enjoy it now, today, this very second, so that it will live on.

I was feeling atop the world and yet apart from it. All around me daffodils bloomed a warm lemony yellow welcoming a new season and sustaining hope. Perhaps this too could be a new chapter in my life, an awakening of sorts, as sunlight carries courage held dormant by winter's pale.

Continuing to wax poetic I told myself to remember that I am growing stronger by the day and I will not be afraid of what the future holds.

Then, as I was descending from my perch and basking in my new found inner harmony, I noticed that the gods had deemed this the appropriate time to leave me with a nice fat parking ticket. Ah, the price of enlightenment.

I guess I came down harder and sooner than anticipated. The universe always with a sense of humor, likes to keep one on one's toes.

Kate

Rain spat in my face, thanks a lot mate
And I lost a tenner on the way
Thinking about it, did I spend it last night
When I was drunk and I wanted to get more drunk

Missed the train, thanks a lot mate
I didn't want to be late today, cause I'm always late
And I really hate always being late
And now the other train is delayed... great.

Carrying bags and a navy taxi man said
"Take your time love
'Cause you don't have to rush
'Cause it's your life and it's no one else's, sweetheart
Don't let someone put you in a box."

So I take all that other stuff that I said before
And I'm gonna make it work
'Cause I'm losing my mind and it's driving me up the wall

So I tried to help you carry your shopping
But I wasn't concentrating, I was talking
And I got it caught on the side of this thing and it split

And I'd try to help you walk along but I'd probably end up pushing you over
But don't worry, I'll never let you fall

And I'm stubborn and I shout and I'll cut you out
And I'll make you feel like I never want to make you feel

And I'm stubborn and I shout and I'll cut you out
And I'll make you feel like I never want to make you feel

Carrying bags and a navy taxi man said
"Take your time love
'Cause you don't have to rush
'Cause it's your life and it's no one else's, sweetheart.
Don't let someone put you in a box."

So I take all that other stuff that I said before
And I'm gonna make it work
Because I'm losing my mind and it's driving me up the wall
And this time, it will be different,
This time, it will be different (x9)

Kate Nash

L'Amore

So fundamental and yet so flawed. Questions that seem to form the paradox of love. The duplicity of truth.

Try trusting yourself.

I can't think when he's around. I can't breathe or sleep or eat. What sort of existence is this? The deprivation somehow fills me to bursting. One touch and I cannot stand securely on my own two feet. One kiss and I no longer exist where my body was a mere moment ago.

Passion is the close friend of stupidity. Love built on passion alone withers to dust. Love seems impossible. Why can so many believe, while I simply cannot?

Cynicism constricts my heart of stone. Fear paralyzes my mind and closes me off from what could be. Fear, my greatest weakness; the great enemy of love.

Non ci e' l'amore per me. L'amore non esiste.

Come near to me. Let your eyes search mine. Let me feel your breath caress my cheek and your hand on the small of my back. I want to live forever in your presence surrounded by your smile. Please don't make me wait.

I cannot last another moment confronted by your complete indifference. Like so many grains of sand you cannot pick me out of a crowd. You won't even remember my name. Only when lost in sleep do you find me. Only then do I become real to you.

Mi mancherei

I just found out that my little brother won't be coming home when I thought he would be. "Little" brother may be a misnomer, he's only two years younger than me, but sometimes it feels like he's still that little kid I knew growing up. I haven't seen him in three years and the separation is starting to make my heart ache. He's away in the Cape Verde islands serving a mission and I'm proud of his commitment and endurance. I just wish he could come home before I too leave the country. I don't know how long I'll be gone and seeing him for a few days will not be enough.

I want to scream in frustration.

I'll probably settle for a few more good cries and then get on with it. Damn life and its duplicity.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

Summer is looming closer and I feel the culmination of recent and not so recent decisions waiting patiently for me. One's future is hardly written in stone, but sometimes it does seem to be sending me over the cliff at an alarming rate.

Slowing time. How many people have wished vainly for that? I count myself as one of them. Slowing it to the point where I could control several flows at once. I could live multiple lives at a time. It's hard to keep focused.

Let the changes to come leave me with a semblance of self and minimal scars.

1870 Days

That's the number of days I've been on my own. Living the life of a twenty something single female with high aspirations and little self motivation. I've been waiting at the train station, but I keep missing the train. Platform one career, platform two family, platform three the world. Why the hell am I still at the ticket counter painstakingly trying to pick a destination.

I feel like I'm in a foreign country and I just cannot understand what the face behind the counter is telling me. "I have to pick one destination? What about a package that offers all three destinations with a bonus day at the spa and unlimited happiness? What do you mean that isn't an option? So, what you're saying is, that I can can only choose between limited packages, one with two destinations both headed to no where, or the option with one destination only, which features a free t-shirt emblazoned with the words 'Self-delusion a must at destination la-la-land.' What?" I hate this place. My western sensibilities and deluded sense of self-entitlement are turning their noses up at these limited options.

I notice on the other side of the glass a blank stare meets my pathetic dithering and to be honest I can't blame them.

The universe must be weary of lamenting youth; those constantly lost in too much expectation and without the brains to take control of their own destiny. I can just imagine the author of the cosmos covering his ears with mighty hands and pulling his time worn face into a distorted mask of distaste, as yet another soul weeps about missed opportunity and the universal injustice of it all.

A thought on faith

I've been reading this book called Eat Pray Love: One Woman's Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia by Elizabeth Gilbert and there is a particular passage that stood out to me today. She is discussing her search for God and the part that faith plays in that search and her words rang true with me. I have had multiple "faith conversations" with seemingly the same result. That faith is not rational. Faith is believing without proof. Faith is all of this, but not a satisfying answer to the rational mind. I still cling to faith in different aspects of my life and in my search for the divine, but I really like the way she describes it. "There is a reason we refer to "leaps of faith"--because the decision to consent to any notion of divinity is a mighty jump from the rational over to the unknowable, and I don't care how diligently scholars of every religion will try to sit you down with their stacks of books and prove to you through scripture that their faith is rational; it isn't. If faith were rational, it wouldn't be---by definition---faith. Faith is belief in what you cannot see or prove or touch. Faith is walking face-first and full-speed into the dark. If we truly knew all the answers in advance as to the meaning of life and the nature of God and the destiny of our souls, our belief would not be a leap of faith and it would not be a courageous act of humanity; it would just be ... a prudent insurance policy." (chapter 57;pg 175)

I guess there is something unsafe about leaving rational thought behind. It leaves so many unanswered questions, so many ways to go wrong. I supposed that is part of the allure of taking the leap.

I wish I could jump. I should be the perfect candidate for this type of foolishness. I'm not the worlds most rational person. I don't live a strictly analytical existance, constantly over analyzing the mechanics of life. I usually just fly by the seat of my pants and let my emotional self make the decisions. Admittedly it can sometimes it feel like having a two year old at the wheel who is solely driven by dreams of lollipops and cheesecake, constantly swerving into oncoming traffic because she's been distracted by something shiny. Yet, still I hesitate and am skeptical. Maybe there is supposed to be a balance between the two. Faith makes up where rational thought fails. Maybe I need to slow down, concentrate more, not be afraid to let go of skepticism when the time is ripe.